Ich weinte nicht, als diesen Brief ich schrieb

geposted von julianlange
25.10.2010 08:36
Eines Tages las ich Judith Hermann. Und dann das.


 
„Der Sommer war eine Kette blauer Tage.“ Doch die Neige hing zäh nun in unseren Gläsern. Bier im Sonnenschein und schweren Rotwein im Winter. Niemand hatte mir gesagt, dass Du gehen würdest. Wir waren schneebedeckte Felder mit Pferden darauf, wir waren Dein Lieblingsbaum unter dem wir uns küssten. Die Zeit war die Schiene unserer Achterbahn und verursachte nicht mehr als leises Quietschen, das Eiern und Dröhnen konnte ich nicht hören. Doch Stillstand dann und Stille auch.

Die schönen Wochen waren vorüber und nichts erinnerte an sie. Aus der Bahn geworfen, verstört, trüben Blickes schloss ich mich ein. Zu Hause, zu viel Haus, zu wenig Welt. Möchte sagen, es regnete draußen hinter den Fenstern, aber das tat es wohl nicht. Vielleicht war Nebel aber oder zumindest dicht bewölkt. Die Sonne sah ich als blendende Dornenkrone eines leidenden Himmels, sinnbildliche Korona einer unerbittlichen Wirklichkeit. Lächerlich, wie hell die Wintermorgen waren, und doch so kalt.

Ich fand einen einzelnen Handschuh. Von Dir in meiner Wohnung. Aus schwarzer Wolle grob gestrickt, lösten sich die Maschen bereits auf, große Löcher entstanden. Du hattest den Handschuh bei mir vergessen oder ich hatte ihn Dir gestohlen. Nun trug ich ihn, die andere Hand nackt und in die Hosentasche gezwängt. Der Wind nahm den Geruch von feuchter, muffiger Wolle und ersetzte ihn durch beißende Kälte. Frost ergriff Besitz von den Fingerspitzen und wurde stärker, bis er sich letztlich in die Handflächen hineinschnitt, eine letzte Abwehrschlacht der menschlichen Wärme, die mir Dein Handschuh einmal war. Verloren.

Der Mahlstrom der Vereinsamung sog und siegte. Wut und Wehmut, Leviathan und Behemoth im gemeinsamen Feldzug Rücken an Rücken. Ich wollte Bitternis trinken aus Büchern, doch fand ich Pathos nur und alten Staub. Die dürren Worte anderer Zeiten waren wie ein Kinderlied in einer unverständlichen Sprache. Verklingende Glocken, umgeschmolzen, neuer Klang, dunkle Töne.

Ein Foto klebte am Spiegel noch, wellig und alt. Es kommen wieder bessere Tage, wisperte es.

Besser, dämmerte mir, ist büßen, Verbesserung ist das Krebsgeschwür, das aus der Vergangenheit erwächst und in die Zukunft quält. Ist die Wiedergutmachung des nicht Verbrochenen. Entbesserung ließ darum bass erstaunen. Dennoch ist nun das Ich das sprach, das Wir das liebt.

So war das Leid die Perlmutter, die den Frühling gebar in allem irisierenden Glanz.

Darum:
Ich weinte nicht, als diesen Brief ich schrieb.

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